• Cutting Ties

    When I reflect on the amount of people who have walked in and out in my life … I see that I am the one who does most of the walking. Not because I am strong, but because I am in pain. My ego is bruised. “How dare I be treated like this” Because it is easier to hide my hurt feelings in anger. Because I feel them under my skin. Because I dont want to be the one abandoned. Because it is safer to cut them out like a tumor and try to never think about them again.

    I am ashamed of the amount of people that i’ve cut off and blocked. I knew that person’s role in my play was over and I disgraced them to the exit without any gratitude or closure.

    There are no two ways about the fact that each person i’ve ever had the opportunity to grow close to has been so important and necessary to me, my soul, and my life’s work, even though most of them are no longer around. And that’s okay. Forgive me as I am forgiving myself for any of my actions that are without love. I’m not perfect & I never will be. Thank you x

  • Dreamweaver

    I have ideas

    About the chapters in my book

    And sometimes I make plans

    But the best storyteller I know

    The skilled dream weaver

    Artist of life

    Veil of secrets

    Is the universe

    The ultimate creator

    And destroyer

    That force you feel mixing in the air

    Wondering which way

    The magic will blow

  • Girl, They Don’t Know Your Worth

    Girl, They Don’t Know Your Worth

    LISTEN
    I promise you
    That it is getting better
    Imagine driving
    Thinking
    Daydreaming
    In LOVE
    And realize
    You are HAPPY
    And not only happy
    But straight BLESSED
    Whoever hurt you
    Is waking up today
    At the same time
    Realizing
    How much better it used to be
    When you were around
    Because GIRL
    You are the light
    The lavender fields
    And volcano sunsets
    That keep the rest of us going
    You are hope
    And don’t you waste ANY time
    Feeling sad about people
    Who are infested with demons
    Who are BLIND
    To your shine
    You helped them more than you know
    But now
    It’s time for you
    To
    Step
    Into
    Your
    POWER

    I was literally driving today on my way to teach yoga and realized that my present is so much better than my past. I was so happy that I felt bitter because of how I had allowed myself to be subjected to such low frequencies.

    I kept saying yes to the wrong people and getting tangled up in the wrong situations over and over again. Until I hit the lowest of the lows: the breaking point: the self intervention: the collapse into despair.

    It has been one year of processing through my own shit that was triggered, realizing that I am worth much more than the people around me were treating me as and saying NO over and over again because I am not going to take whatever I can get. I want the best of the best. And it has arrived.

    This poem was inspired by things people have said to me, things I’ve said to myself, and things I want to say to any woman whose worth has not been fully realized by the people around her.

    Stay blessed x

  • How To Develop Resilience & Compassion

    I seem to attract and be drawn to some dark, haunted energies as partners: Addicts, mental disorders, convicts, abusers, people not aligned with their truth and lacking self-love.

    There is a theory on the law of attraction: like attracts like. From my experiences, I can’t confirm that that is always the case. I feel that we signed up to have certain experiences before we came down to this earth. Earth is like a school and we are given tests to develop certain skills so that our souls can evolve. We also have karma with certain people that needs to be resolved. A lot of my past relationships have been about resolving those karmas. And sometimes certain souls just want to hurt you–whether they are conscious of that or not.

    I will say that my life has been wild and intense. I’ve had some difficult lessons to absorb in short amount of times. I’ve had to develop particular skills like communication, managing emotions, and boundaries. These experiences have sparked a passion within me to help those that struggle with addiction and mental illness.

    Some trauma I experienced in childhood, but most of the trauma from this lifetime has been from my relationships and different encounters with particular people.

    But to be honest, I’m quite proud that I’ve had these experiences because, somehow, I found a way to transform my pain into a tool for knowledge and awareness. It’s made me wise, sharp, and compassionate.

    We also have to consider our abusers. An abuser does not become that way without being abused themselves. There is usually some sort of illness or trauma that has made them that way.

    We cannot look at some one, no matter what they’ve done, and say oh they’re just a bad person. We are all good, but sometimes people can become ill or carry around demons and ghosts.

    We are so valid to be angry. Anger has been a strong emotion as I try to heal from my personal traumas. And it is ok to be angry, but not to wish revenge or bad things upon them. Send them love and healing just as you would wish it upon yourself, even if they don’t deserve it.

    This is what strength is– To be pure, innocent, and loving even when some one has casted their shit onto your light. Wave your abuser away with a warm smile, let them go, and work on forgiving them.

    Treat them how you would treat yourself. Consider there traumas and try not to react from their bad energy. Because when we interact with their dramas, we allow a pathway for their negative emotions to enter us.

    We can practice this for all situations big or small. From dealing with a clerk with a bad attitude to a narcissistic parent putting you down. Observe without reacting and put up your boundaries kn any instance when you are not being treated with respect.

    It’s so difficult to be loving in these situations. Everything inside us tells us to be rude back, to give them what they gave us, but it is very important that we stop the cycle.

    People who hurt you are just hurt themselves. Look at them like a lost child and teach them to heal by being a kind, loving, and patient soul. You are strong enough for that.

  • Graceful Fire – moving on, letting go, feeling nothing, and being free

    Each individual must be the one to take off their own blindfold.

    It’s all very simple how life works. It’s just a little river that we have to be patient and flexible enough to flow with. I’ve been working on letting go piece by piece and healing. And it is not a quick fix situation. It’s a full on process of transformation and grieving. A lot of grieving as I release. And it’s interesting because with loss you can be absolutely fine going about your day, but then you will hear a song or have a dream or just absolutely randomly the switch will flip and you will feel all that sadness come to you. Sometimes anger. Surprising emotions.

    It’s been a lovely experience going through all this. Well, of course, it’s also been terrible and gut-wrenching. But I’m at the end now. The rain has already come and I am sitting in a field of fruits, basking in all the rewards of my labor. So, I’ve literally never been better. Physically, professionally, emotionally, and spiritually. There is so much abundance and the world is mine.Read More

  • Fading Retribution: A Letter on Loss & Grief

    Grief surprises you in waves. Sometimes there’s nothing to feel and other times bedridden. I’m not moving on, I am moving through. This process takes time. Be patient, be strong, be weak, and never be ashamed for feeling what you feel no matter how long it has been.

    Even after months have gone by, there are still memories that I replay. Things we used to watch, inside jokes, that song you loved. I’ll laugh alone and feel like you are in the same room with me. I’ll listen to that song you showed me over and over and think of you stopping our conversation to sing the lyrics. I know that it was true. That what I felt was real, but I still don’t understand your convolution of feelings. Sometimes I diagnose you with personality disorders. It is easier to put you into a category when I feel angry at how much you lied and led me on a trail of bread crumbs to a goddamn nuclear wipe out. But you are much more complex than a narcissist. I think you do care how fucking lost and tangled up you are, but lack skill in climbing out of the holes that you’ve dug.

    I think about all the other people who have taken up space in your heart. All those who have passed through you and haven’t stuck. And those that are cemented in. I hope that I will not be forgotten, but I know that you are trying to. Out of sight, out of mind they say, but I know we still haunt each other.

    I think that out of everyone, you’ve hurt me the worst . This wound is gaping and it still fucking bleeds. Not everyday, no. I do forget. But I am often reminded. It is fucking ridiculous how much I feel. This hangover of grief that still lingers in my spirit. And it feels unfair because I know you are not going through this. I know that you’re better at turning it all off and burying yourself in distractions.

    I don’t know what it is like to be you. What it must be like to lose yourself. To lose some one you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. To need some one, but they cannot be reached.

    Actually, I do know a bit about what that is like. You’ve passed that pain and loss onto me. A burden you had no right to give me, but I happily accepted because I would have done anything for you. I would have died for you. And it sounds fucking dramatic, but I am profoundly amazed at how in love I was. Our connection. It was stunning.

    I hate the way you treated me, how dishonest you were about the situation, and how you fucking destroyed my heart. It’s never going to be the same. And I hate the way I’m still grieving. I hate the way I don’t trust anyone anymore. I hate the way I’m scared of losing my power again. Of being abandoned.

    I have dreams about you sometimes. I fucking hate dreaming about you by the way.

    I have so much love for you, I just don’t know where to put it anymore. I miss you so fucking much, but you have lost any sort of privilege to be in my life. The moment you stopped valuing me, the moment you allowed your demons to sink me to the bottom while you stepped on my head for a breath of air is when you lost your right to be in my life. You are home to me, but you are also a flesh-eating disease.

    I just hope that you figure it out. That you grow from this and blossom into a person who is healthy, happy, and open. You always said that you just wanted me to be happy and I was so happy with you. All I’ve ever wanted is you. But it is you who needs to figure out how to be happy. I am fine as I am. I don’t need you, but it would have been nice to take on the world with you.

  • Just Words

    For those who have convinced me with their words when I was too naive to wait for their actions . . .

    Emotions are disabled.

    Dull in the eyes and slippery on the skin. Tragedy and sunlight. Everything rolls across without a moment to soak in.

    I can barely hear their heartbeat. Not even a stomach rumble for the future. Too afraid to hold anything tight.

    But what about me– I draped them in affection. I shined over them like quartz.

    Their thick of thorns locked away the rain and I don’t know how to claw my way through a cactus without bleeding.

    Jagged breath kisses. Locked jaws. Read but no reply. Dialogue with the mind instead of the heart. Sticky words in a web of contradictions.

    They painted beautiful sceneries with air. They hooked cords into me and snatched them away once they became bored of tasting my light. Once they realized that I wasn’t going to fix them and the idea of fixing themselves . . . too challenging.

    Wake up little dandelions. Let them sink themselves to the bottom of the ocean. Alone.

  • Karmic Love

    Spiders are crawling out of my eyes. There are cactuses knotted in my hair. I haven’t showered in 6 days. There’s food on the floor and daddy roaches are slithering around for scraps. I saw an ant get eaten by another ant. I’m dreaming about sucking on your tongue and swallowing your morning breath. I’m nasty filthy longing for you. I thought you would stay, but all you do is walk away.

  • Stardust

    The moments and stars are in tune. Our thoughts and actions click into each other like peaceful dreams. Blades of grass and the hairs on our head, like our spirits, are always growing even though they appear to be stagnant.

    It takes a year to understand all that is contained in a day. It takes reflection to read yourself clearly. Passing thoughts with thorough contemplation reveals answers you thought only a fine tuned psychic could tell you.

    We are puzzle pieces that fit together and fall apart in the same soggy moment. It is important to see these changes, wrap them in suede and tuck them inside you. Be thankful. Every adversity and splash of bad luck has brought you to this present moment equally as much as a heavenly stroke of divine intervention.

    People cannot return to you the gifts you have poured onto them from your heart because not everyone has the same heart as you. Not everyone has your same eyes or breath and that is what makes us individuals. You are you because of you so do not tangle when I am not you because I am I. Thank everyone for their own unique essence. Their vibration is a contribution to this mystical universe.

    Love as heavy as you can. Eat love, sleep with it, throw it at people like stones through glass windows. We all need love and it does not cause you any debt to hand it out.

  • Third Eye Sight

    There are unseen energies swirling, guiding, interfering, and influencing us. Allow us to break down this veil and use this knowledge to heal, play, and manifest our most beautiful reality possible.

    We call people who can tune into the outer realms psychics and witches, but we all have this power within us. Open the doors and pull up the blinds. Breathe in your magik. Feel your vibrations pulsate waves through your body and on the skin. It is the heat in your palms. The dull heartbeat inside your skull. It is the colors flickering behind your eyelashes.

    Feel, see, hear, smell, and taste all that is outside the physical realm. Talk to it. Manifest. And indulge in this profound opportunity called life.